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The Project Assassin's Guide to Christmas


During the "festive season", aspiring Project Assassins are reminded of the opportunities to hone their skills that the project called Christmas offers. To aid learning, a few pointers are given below and a few useful "phrases" are also suggested.

  1. Remind those planning for Christmas how smoothly everything will go and why there is no need to think about what might go wrong - or indeed to plan it at all.
  2. Ensure that all activities are scheduled for the last possible moment e.g. Turkey to be bought on Christmas Eve at around 5pm.
  3. Remember that your Grandmother always put senna pods in her Christmas puddings and say how good they were.
  4. Suggest that no presents be exchanged as soon as you know that others have made their purchases.
  5. Tell each guest a slightly different time to arrive for dinner, but use ranges to provide a "defensive overlap" e.g. "between one and two", "between one-thirty and two-thirty", "around about two-ish", etc.
  6. If a new oven has been installed, say that you have read somewhere that "this sort of oven cooks twice as fast as a conventional one". Either they will believe you or they will waste an equivalent period of time searching through a manual written in Japanese English. Either way, an excellent effect on schedules is obtained.
  7. Sit feuding family members on opposite sides of the dinner table - this prevents backs being turned and enhances opportunities for widening the feud as others are drawn into the discussion.
  8. Ensure to wink when asking any male guest if they wish to "pull a cracker", adding "I'm sorry, I wasn't implying anything" as soon as any reaction is seen.
  9. Make sure that party games are inclusive:
    • younger children prefer more contemplative activities
    • teenagers particularly enjoy games where participants are required to make a fool of themselves
    • older members of the family are fond of any game which requires double-jointedness.
  10. Ply with alcohol any family member known to be holding a grudge against any other and then provide opportunities for "free and frank exchanges" between them.

Using some or more of the above should create sufficient chaos for you to sneak off and play with the childrens' toys, watch something on TV in another part of the house, or just disappear as required. They may not, however, destroy the "meaning of Christmas". To do that, the most fundamental of the project assassin's methods must be employed - ignore the sponsor.